Thanks for being my toilet.

Yip toilette, WC, bog, shanks, fart-catcher. That thing that carries away all our shit and takes it... somewhere? Don't really need to know precisely where, do we? Well this little blog here is going to carry out the same function for me; suction off all my negative shitty thoughts and feelings and eject them into cyberspace sewers. That's the idea anyway, better out than in as they say. I really think it might work, and hopefully in the near future it might be for more than just siphoning away the crap. Maybe, just maybe it can also serve as a building block for positive creativity. Today, my sister wasn't having the greatest afternoon, in fact she was in a pretty foul mood, and for good reason. But she went outside- and I should note that by "outside" I mean she stepped out into the fresh snow surrounding our holiday chalet in a little skiing village in the Italian Alps (yes, and I'm the prick who wants to claim to have deep meaningful problems.) Anyway, back to my point- she went outside and started building herself a snowman. She channeled all that angry and upset energy into something really fun. It didn't have to be anything huge; it was the apparent insignificance of the whole event that made an impact, at least on me. Now, she's always been the creative one, twirling a couple of bored minutes into an adorable cartoon puppy, or a few solid hours of practice into a spine-tingling cello performance. Same story with the snowman, Frizzante, named thus because we didn't know the Italian for Frosty but we did know Sparkling, due to a mixup with a bottled water order (again, don't you just truly sympathise with my traumatising issues?) Frizzante is just the most jolly looking lump of snow you'll ever meet, and I figure that if he can come out of a bad day, then I can bloody well manufacture something at least slightly positive (insert more appropriate, inspiring word here) with all the churning going on inside this head of mine ((just an aside about the parenthesised commentary- basic attempt to put across the many, meta-layered, often conflicting, always confused voices in my head; a phenomenon I assure myself is common across all people. Right? (I ask my toilet...))) In conclusion, I'm going to strive for my Frizzante.

Getting anywhere?

So I guess the premise behind this whole "blogging" idea is that I've lost my voice and I need to find it. I just need to write. I need to stop being such a finicky perfectionist. I would usually want to change "the premise" to something that fits my thoughts better because I seem to have lost the ability to find the right translations from the inside of my head to the "reality" of the outside world. Again that is a terrible sentence. But I need to stop spending time and energy on trying to correct because all I am doing is putting a stopper in my expression. I need to find a way to communicate, even if its just with an empty slot of web space. Isn't that depressing? But if I don't, I might just implode. I am more than aware of how much the words "i need" were employed above (see finicky perfectionist description), and believe me I hate that how selfish this whole "premise" is, everything in me craves to be selfless and yet I just don't seem to able to reach that state of being. Is there any point in making excuses here? No one can hear them. Maybe I need to reassure myself. Maybe that just highlights even further how hopelessly selfish I really am. But, and I really think I'm being honest when I say this, the reason I have to turn to this empty slot of web space is because I cannot talk to any person about my thoughts. I just can't burden them with my depressing-ness and I know that mentioning my wish to reach some sort of end to this whole palava would spark such worry and concern etc that its not something I want to do to anyone. *worry and concern are again not the right words but I can't find them. My basic philosophy, as I have decided to explicitly define it, stands thus: find a way to be happy in the least selfish way possible. I realise there are many things that academic philosophers would want to pick apart and define from within that statement, but I cannot and will not do that. Ok we'll that's that for now.